


Finding back

by bunnysworld



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Modern Era, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 10:01:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3806320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnysworld/pseuds/bunnysworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A new bloke shows up at the gym as Percy and Arthur are working out. He's just one of the overweight ones who will never come back, right? But Percy sees more in him. And then there's a bet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding back

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks, issy, for the beta.
> 
> Approach this wis caution. There's a lot of fat shaming, weight issues, self-esteem stuff in there and some people are not nice.

Arthur rolled his eyes and huffed out a sigh.

“What?” Percy hefted the weights back onto the rack and looked around until he spotted the object of Arthur’s disapproval. “He’s new, isn’t he?”

“I haven’t seen him before and something like that sure would have burned its image into my retina.” Arthur shuddered.

Throwing the new guy another glance, Percy shook his head. “He’s not that bad.”

“Just another obese slob who only comes here to calm his conscience because his doctor had told him he needs to lose weight. I give him a week and then we won’t have to look at his ugly sweatpants and old t-shirt again, not to speak of those ears.” Arthur took his water bottle and admired his biceps in the mirror of the gym. 

“Hey!” Percy frowned. “Give him a chance. At least he’s here and wants to do something instead of sitting on the couch, stuffing his face with crisps.”

“Bet that’s exactly what he’s going to do when he leaves here. So proud of himself that he burned 2 calories that he’ll celebrate with a pizza, Coke and chocolate.”

Snapping his towel into Arthur’s direction, Percy made an irritated sound. “Are you PMSing or what? You’ve never been so nasty before!”

“I’m just so sick of all those one-timers who come here, have no idea how to use everything, mess things up and never come back.” Arthur sounded really annoyed.

Percy threw the new bloke another look. “He’ll come back.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Don’t know, there’s something in his eyes.”

“He looks like he’d rather have a burger than be here.” 

“Okay, you said he won’t last a week. I say he at least lasts a month.”

“I’ll buy you a beer if he does.”

“Deal.” Percy held out his hand and Arthur shook it and neither of them noticed how the new bloke finally managed to get the treadmill started and didn’t do more but walk briskly.

+++

“Where’s your new friend?” Arthur smirked when they met again the next day.

Percy’s smirk became wider. “Over there, working out.”

“That’s not a work-out, that’s going for a nice walk.”

“At least he’s doing something.”

Arthur snorted. “Of course. He’s got at least 30 kilos too much, so a little walk would be something that makes him sweat.”

“20, I’d say. And if he manages to turn it into muscle, he’d look really good.” Percy watched the guy, who once again had showed up in an old pair of sweatpants, a worn-out t-shirt but a brand new pair of runners, on the treadmill, a determined look on his face. 

“On which planet?”

“Go, do your work-out, Pendragon, your mean streak is getting on my nerves today.” Percy turned back to the machine he was working on and ignored Arthur completely.

+++

“Hi.”

The bloke looked up and Percy nearly forgot what he wanted to say when big blue eyes met his. “Hi.”

“Err…I’ve seen you standing here for a while now. Someone’s using your favourite machine and this one looks a bit more complicated. If you like, I’ll show you how it works?” 

“I…I can’t afford a personal trainer.” The bloke stammered and Percy smiled when he heard the deep voice with an accent, even though he couldn’t place it.

Percy chuckled. “I’m not a personal trainer, just a bloke like you.” He smiled when the other looked him up and down.

“I doubt that. But yes, thanks, I can’t seem to figure this one out.” He pointed to the machine and Percy explained what was different and what he could change if he wanted to.

“And…I know it’s none of my business, but you should work with the weights, too, not just your legs. Maybe alternate; one day running, one day weights? This way you won’t over do it.”

The man’s face closed up. “I need to do this my way. Thanks.”

Damn, he had been this close to making contact and he had only meant well. If you only did one thing, it got boring pretty quickly and that made a lot of guys quit. “Anyway, if you need help, just come find me. I’m Percy.”

“Merlin.” The man already fiddled the earbuds of his mp3 player in and made it pretty clear that the conversation was over for him. 

+++

Percy liked that Merlin came back every day. First, he just nodded but after about two weeks, he said ‘hi’ when he came in and Percy and Arthur were already there. 

“You owe me a beer.” Percy smirked at Arthur at the end of week two.

“You said four weeks, it’s not over yet.”

“But you’re going to work abroad for the next nine months, you’re leaving on the weekend, so…”

Arthur laughed. “If you think you can sneak out of this just because I’m not around…I have my spies everywhere, I’ll know when he drops out.”

“I’m so not going to miss you.” Percy wiped his face with a towel. 

“You so are!” Arthur grinned. “And I’ll be back before you will be so bored that you are looking for another training partner.”

+++

Arthur’s farewell party had been a blast and Percy had been so drunk that he hardly remembered how they stood at the airport, waving and wishing Arthur well, laughing and crying as if his friend was going on a dangerous expedition with a chance of never coming back. The last thing Arthur said before he passed through security was “Four weeks, I’m watching!” As if he could forget Merlin. The bloke was on his mind almost every minute he was awake and Percy had no idea why. He was chubby, yes, but he was cute and Percy hoped to get to know him.

After the worst hang-over was dealt with two days later, Percy was back at the gym. He needed to stay in shape. He was an actor. Or rather, he wanted to be, but he made more money modelling, so he needed to keep his body just the way it was after years and years of a rigid work-out schedule. He knew he looked good, but it wasn’t something he aimed for. He just worked on his arms and legs and abdomen for ages and at one point, it had all fallen into place. At almost 2 meters tall, nobody would cast him as the lead in a romantic comedy anyway, so he went to all the auditions where Vikings, pirates or knights were needed in hope to land a role. He’d done a commercial or two, but made his money modelling. Mostly underwear. His mother would have a heart-attack if she were still alive. 

Taking a sip from his water bottle, Percy looked up when the door opened and Merlin came in. He smiled when the dark-haired bloke – hair that resembled a pelt, not a hair-do, hair that you just had to bury your fingers in – nodded in recognition and went straight to the treadmills again. So far his bet was doing fine. Arthur would so owe him a beer when he came back. But that wasn’t really important. Now that Arthur wasn’t here any longer to make rude remarks, Percy could try to find a way to get Merlin to open up. He slowly made his way over to where Merlin was preparing his walk.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

“You know, you should probably go for the ‘fat burn’ program, it lets you walk in the right range of heart rate so you…”

“Not the issue here.” Merlin snapped.

Damn, he’d said something stupid again. Of course. Nobody wanted their weak part addressed by a stranger like that. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… What are you working on, then?”

Merlin looked as if he was about to tell him to get lost, but then took a deep breath. “Just need to get a bit fitter. That’s all. If I lose weight on the way, fine. If not, fine as well.”

Blinking, Percy looked at him. He didn’t get it. If you lost weight, you automatically became fitter, didn’t you? How could you want to keep the weight and… “But…”

“Listen, I know that someone like you might not understand. But as long as I don’t get out of breath that easily anymore, I’m fine. I don’t care if I will fit into pants a few sizes smaller or have biceps the size of other people’s thighs. All I want is to get to some basic fitness level.” 

That was the longest thing Merlin had ever said to him and Percy frowned. “Someone like me?” 

“Yeah, someone who spends all of his time here to look like that.”

“Let’s assume for a second that I don’t have more muscles than brain,” Percy tried to bite back a grin before he got serious again, “it’s like you approach this from a whole new angle.”

“Nobody else ever did that before? Maybe I should get a patent on it and make tons of money.”

Percy laughed. He liked the sarcastic way Merlin was dealing with this. “I like it. Okay, so you come here to get a bit fitter. And if you happen to lose weight, yay?”

“Exactly. And if you could try to grasp the concept somewhere else, I’d appreciate it, I don’t have all day. Some people had a full work day before they come here, you know?”

With that, Merlin put the earbuds in, pressed a few buttons on the treadmill and started walking. Percy couldn’t help but notice that he’d increased the speed as well as the incline. Smiling, he made his way back to where he was working out before. He liked Merlin’s approach. Most people with weight problems came here to lose as much weight in the shortest time possible, which never worked and they were gone soon. Merlin either was a clever one or he was just fooling himself. Percy suspected the first.

+++

A few days later – they had not spoken to each other – Percy dragged himself to the locker room. He had worked hard, he needed to look good for the photo shooting he had scheduled for tomorrow morning, and his muscles ached. A quick shower here and a long hot bath at home, a protein shake later and an early night and he would be in form for the job. 

When he entered the room, he smiled when he noticed Merlin rummaging through his bag.

“Fuck,” the other murmured.

“Everything alright?”

“Yes, I just forgot to pack a bottle of water.” Merlin shrugged and reached into the locker to get his jacket. 

Without saying a word, Percy reached into his locker, pulled a bottle out of his bag and offered it. 

“Oh, I can’t take that, it’s yours.”

“You can. I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want you to take it. You need to refill your liquids after a work-out.”

Reluctantly, Merlin took the bottle. “Thanks.” He opened it and drank half of it in one go. 

“Better?” Percy smiled.

“Yes, thank you. I’ll bring you one tomorrow.” Merlin shrugged into his jacket. 

“Don’t worry about that, but…aren’t you going to take a shower?” Percy took his towel out of his locker and toed off his shoes. 

“Nah. I like to shower at home, where I can curl up on the couch when I’m done. Taking a shower here and then having to go back out into the cold is not my thing.”

Percy threw Merlin a look. “It might do your muscles good if you treat them with a hot shower here first. Don’t you ever get sore with all that walking you’re doing?”

“I just walk a bit slower the next day, no problem.” Tossing his towel into his back and pulling a beanie onto his head, Merlin nodded. “Got everything. See you tomorrow.”

Before Percy could mention that he might not be here at the same time as usual due to his job, the door closed behind Merlin. Wondering why he was so willing to provide this information, he took a shower and went home to get enough sleep.

+++

When he entered the gym the next day – actually he was shot, the photo shooting had taken forever – Percy didn’t expect to see Merlin there. As most guys here, Merlin was a creature of habit, coming in at around 5:30, working out for an hour and then leaving again. To his surprise, Merlin was still on his beloved treadmill, a determined look on his pale face. Yes, it was paler than usual, something was off, Percy noticed in an instant and not a moment too soon since Merlin seemed to get out of his walking rhythm, grabbed the handrail and fell backwards. 

Percy was there right away and prevented him from falling. “Merlin! Merlin, what’s wrong?” But Merlin didn’t answer and just lay heavily in his arms, his eyes closed. His eyelids fluttered and he looked at Percy, rather unfocussed. 

“Someone get a Coke!” That was most likely something they didn’t even have at the bar, but they needed something sugary.

“No.” Merlin almost moaned. “No calories.”

“When was the last time you’ve eaten?” So much for the getting-fit-approach. Merlin was most likely starving himself, his clothes hung off him lately. 

Someone reached them a glass of orange juice. “Here, drink.”

Even though Merlin protested weakly, Percy made him drink the whole glass. When he was sure that Merlin was a bit more stable now, he helped him sit properly. “Again, when was the last time you’ve eaten?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” 

“Dinner?”

“You’ve had dinner before you came here?” That was a dumb thing to do.

Merlin, who looked a bit better now, tried a smile. “Last night?”

“You haven’t eaten all day? Do you know how late it is already?” Why would anyone do something like that to themselves? Percy was really worried. 

“7?”

Percy took a deep breath. “More like 8:30. Did you come in at your usual time?” When Merlin nodded, Percy closed his eyes for a moment. “And you have been on that thing the whole time?” He already knew the answer. “Can you get up? I’ll take you home.”

“I can take the bus!”

“No, you can’t. And you need someone to teach you the basics of working out.”

“I’m fine.”

“You overworked yourself and you collapsed on the treadmill, that’s not fine. Come on.” Percy pulled Merlin up and watched his every move on the way to the locker room. 

+++

Later, after he had packed Merlin into his car and taken him home after a little detour via his favourite take-out place, he had carried Merlin’s bag up two flights of stairs.

“My place isn’t much.” Merlin had turned towards him before he opened the door.

Percy had chuckled. “I’m not here to judge your skills as an interior designer.” But then he had stood in the middle of the small entrance and tried hard not to gasp. How could a grown-up with a job live like that? The place was small and tidy, there was nothing wrong with that, but it was worn-down. Not only the place, the few pieces of furniture looked like they would break as soon as someone looked at them and there were just the most necessary of them. 

“Told you, it’s not much.” Merlin’s voice sounded tired.

“Sit down, I’ll bring the food right away and then we’ll have to talk about a few things.” He dropped Merlin’s work-out bag and followed Merlin to the small living-room where he put the plastic bag with the take-out on a shabby coffee table. Then he went back to where he had seen something like a kitchenette, found two glasses which he filled with water, two forks and the roll of paper towels. 

Merlin still sat where he had left him and stared ahead. 

“And now you’re going to eat.” Percy opened the different boxes that held rice and vegetable dishes. 

“I can’t.”

“Why can’t you? I’m trying to understand.” Sitting down next to Merlin, Percy held a box that evaporated an especially mouth-watering dish, ready to feed him if he had to. This wasn’t the time to ponder why he felt like he had to mother-hen Merlin, like he had to take care of him for some odd reason. He just needed to make Merlin eat.

“I gained weight.” Merlin said flatly. 

“So?”

Merlin didn’t say anything for a while. “I can’t gain weight, I have to lose it.”

“You know that muscle weighs a lot more than fat, right? You’ve worked so hard lately, I’m sure that’s the reason.”

“There’s this barrier, a number that I can’t seem to break, to get under. I’m working and working and working and it doesn’t want to give.”

“And it won’t when you try to starve yourself. Eat, Merlin. The more you’re starving yourself, the more your body thinks that it’s in a time of great need and won’t release any reserves it has. Eat, reasonably, but eat.” Percy held the fork close to Merlin’s mouth and smiled when Merlin reached for the fork after a moment. 

He knew after a day like that, Merlin wouldn’t eat much, but once he had some food down, he was a lot more approachable for Percy’s suggestions of how to change the work-out routing and especially his diet.

“I hate that word.” Merlin said and let the fork sink.

“Diet? It just means what you’re eating.”

“No, it means not eating enough, not eating all the things you really like and having to work out like crazy, waiting for people to ask if you’ve lost weight and then hand out tons of unwanted advice on dos and don’ts.” Merlin looked at the rice and shoved the box away. 

This was harder than Percy had thought and so they sat and talked all night. Finally, Merlin agreed to note down what he ate and when for a few days and Percy promised to not judge and not put a strict dieting plan on him, just suggestions for dishes that might be good and a list of things that Merlin wouldn’t have to deny himself completely. 

“Percy?”

It was almost 3:30 and Merlin had yawned a lot in the last hour and Percy knew he would have to go home but the thought of getting out there into the cold London night wasn’t very appealing. “Hm?”

“Why are you doing this?” Merlin looked at him with tired eyes. 

“I don’t know. It’s just something I’m good with. I’ve done it for most of my life.” Percy shrugged. “Why not share the knowledge with someone who’s worth it?” He threw Merlin a wry smile.

“Why me?” 

“You know, the first day you came in…you’ve seen the blokes…like the one with the pink shirt? Or the one who came in like someone squeezed him into his brand-new work-out clothes?” When Merlin chuckled and nodded, he continued. “We get a lot of those. They come in for one work-out, are sore the next day and decide to pay the fees for at least three years so they can pretend that they could be working out if they just found the time. You were different. I don’t know, something about you said ‘Get out of the way, I mean it!’. I liked that.”

“I’m not sure if I can do it.”

“Don’t doubt yourself! Not now! Look at you, how much weight have you lost so far?” 

“Ten.”

“Ten pounds? Good!”

“Ten kilos.”

That left Percy a bit speechless. Ten kilos in how many weeks? Merlin hadn’t been coming in for more than 6 weeks now.

“Eight weeks.”

That was a bit too much for such a short time but Percy decided against mentioning it. “Alright. We’re going to work on this systematically now and you’ll be fit in no time. But I can only do that under one condition.”

Merlin turned his head and looked at him. “What is that?”

“You won’t stop eating and you will stop pulling stunts like today with hours and hours on the treadmill, promised?”

“That was yesterday.” Merlin grinned.

“I haven’t slept yet, so it’s still today.” Percy grinned back. “Promised?”

After a while, Merlin nodded. “Promised. And speaking of sleep…” He yawned widely.

“I won’t see you in the gym tomorrow and don’t you dare to go jogging at the Thames or something crazy. Here’s my number, call me…with anything…I mean it.” Percy scribbled his number on the lid of one of the food boxes, then got up and went for his jacket. “Sleep.”

“Will do.” 

+++

When Percy woke up, he checked his mobile immediately. This had never happened to him before, but he felt so protective of Merlin, he didn’t have words for it. He’d never felt such a strong connection with anybody, not even his best friends. He smiled when there was a message from Merlin. It only said ‘Thanks’ but he was happy that Merlin hadn’t woken up, deciding he didn’t want anything to do with him and deleted his number. 

While he was going about his daily routing, he thought about the work-out he wanted to suggest to Merlin. It was about time that he started to not only move his legs, but his arms, too, and Percy was certain that Merlin would look great if he just defined the muscles that were underneath, if only a tiny bit. Not that Merlin didn’t look good already. He had wonderful blue eyes and great dark hair and Percy had always had a thing for sticking out ears. 

He grabbed his backpack and made his way to the farmers’ market and wandered through rows and rows of fresh produce; it was difficult to choose. 

“You’re in a good mood today, Percy.” Leena, who once in a while helped out her mother at the stand, observed. 

“Oh, am I?” He grinned.

“Seems like it.” She wrapped the lettuce he’d picked out in an old paper. “Here you go.”

He handed her the money and put the lettuce into his backpack, on top of all the other things he’d already gotten. Saying good-bye, he turned and thought that yes, she was right, he was in a good mood. In his mind, he’d written a menu for Merlin. Not a plan what he needed to eat and when, but a list of dishes that would help him losing the weight he wanted to lose and to probably gain it back as muscle mass. 

After storing all his stuff away, he left once again and headed for the gym. He had another job lined up for next week and didn’t want to slack off. And of course he had to make sure that Merlin kept his promise to take a day off. 

As he was going through his routine, Gwaine showed up. 

“Hey, big one.”

“Hi, Gwaine. To what do we owe the honour of one of your rare visits to?” 

Even though Percy was close to Arthur, Gwaine was his best friend and so he knew that Gwaine usually worked out in the little gym he and his partner had in their house. 

“Just needed to see your goofy face again. How’s it going?”

Percy pulled the towel off his neck. “Don’t tell me Arthur sent you to spy on me?”

“Would I ever do such a thing?” Gwaine gasped dramatically and reached for his heart, a mock-shocked expression on his face.

“Yes, you would. And no, Arthur hasn’t won. Merlin will be back.”

“Oh, so Mr. Chubby is taking a break?”

Percy quickly recounted the events of the night before to Gwaine. “I forbade him to show up today.”

Listening intensely, Gwaine nodded. “Good. Sounds like he wanted too much too quickly.”

When Percy told Gwaine about all the things he thought about concerning Merlin’s diet and work-out, his friend threw him a look and smiled warmly. “I need to meet him.”

“Why?”

“Someone who could make you smile like that while you are talking about dieting has to be special.”

Long after Gwaine had left, the words still echoed in Percy’s mind. He didn’t know Merlin well enough to know if he was special, but Gwaine was right. He was at least special enough for Percy to care.

+++

When Merlin didn’t show up at the gym the next day, Percy started to worry. He waited but it was already close to 9 pm, Merlin never came in that late. He got himself a protein shake from the bar and found a seat at one of the little tables. 

_Hi, how are you? Missing you here at the gym._ He attached a smiley and hit ‘send’.

Of course he knew Merlin might have something more important to do, but he started to get nervous when he didn’t get an answer right away. 

_Not good._

Alarmed, Percy got up. _What’s wrong?_

_Everything. I’m a failure._

Not even finishing his shake, Percy rushed out of the refreshment area to get out of his work-out clothes as quickly as possible. _I’m coming over._

He didn’t get an answer to that, so it was at least not a ‘no’. Something was wrong with Merlin, he needed to find out what. 

When he knocked at Merlin’s door not even half an hour later, he was shocked when he saw Merlin. He had looked a bit better last night after he’d left him, what was wrong now? “What happened?”

Merlin didn’t answer, just made his way back to the couch, but he left the door open for Percy to follow. 

“I can’t do this any longer. I’m such a failure.”

Percy took in the mess of take-out boxes, the very same boxes he brought in last night, but now they were all empty and there was a pizza box that hadn’t been there before. 

Merlin didn’t look at him as he sat down on the couch. 

“What happened?” Percy had a pretty good idea what had happened, but he didn’t want to start this with a most-likely accusing-sounding ‘why?????????’.

“What does it look like? The fat one just stuffed his face with everything that was in the house. And then ordered pizza on top of it. That is what happened!” Merlin snapped at him. 

“I see.” Not saying more, Percy nudged the pizza box a bit further onto the table and sat down on the couch, too. There must be a reason for Merlin doing this and he would stay until he’d found out.

“It all doesn’t make sense. Everything I do is wrong. I can’t do anything right.” 

It was bad enough that Merlin said these things about himself, but the venom in his voice nearly made Percy gasp. He drew a breath before he said, “Alright. I…I don’t get it. Can we rewind to the point where I left here last night?”

Merlin was silent for a while before he reluctantly started to tell Percy about his day. “You know how you made me eat last night? I had starved myself all day and worked out so hard. That had to show on the scales, right? Just…it didn’t. I did all that and I have gained weight again! Gained! Because of that food last night!”

Percy knew it wasn’t of any use if he told Merlin that starving himself and working out like crazy just made his body lock up and cling to everything it still had in case this was an emergency situation and it would take longer than a day or two. Merlin wouldn’t listen. 

“So…I figured that it made no sense. I am fat and I will stay fat. Could as well eat all the leftovers. Had deprived myself of pizza and lasagne for so long that this was the right time to finally order them again. It doesn’t make a difference anyway. I am what I am, nothing will ever change that. So when the delivery arrived, I ate all of it. Pizza was family-sized.” Merlin pointed to the box.

He needn’t have told Percy, he’d seen the size of the box. “Did you at least get sick?”

Merlin threw him a look and a little smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Still am.” He made a face and Percy laughed. 

“Good!”

“Good? Come on, say it. I’m just a little piece of shit with no self-restraint and discipline, not worth your time.”

“Why would I?”

“Because that’s what I am.”

“Merlin! Merlin, look at me.” Percy waited until Merlin had thrown him a glance. “This was just a little slip. Happens to everyone once in a while.”

Merlin glanced at him again. “Yeah, right, everyone…”

“Yes, everyone. Do you have an idea how many times I’ve pigged out when I once again didn’t get an acting job? Or when I was rejected for a photo job? It can get very frustrating.” Now he had Merlin’s attention, so he shrugged and smiled wryly. “Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream is my Kryptonite. But sometimes all that will help is a huge burger with fries or a pizza with a cheese crust. Followed by a crate of Ben and Jerry’s.”

Merlin just looked at him disbelievingly.

“And no, it doesn’t make me sick. It sometimes doesn’t even make me gain weight right away. I just know that it’ll ruin my physique and that is my resource. I don’t get many acting jobs, I need to look good for all the photos and stuff. So I go back to eating healthy again and working out the way I need to and all is fine. And that’s what you’ll do, too.”

“But…”

“No ‘but’, Merlin.”

“You don’t hate me now?” Merlin looked at the empty take-out boxes with contempt.

“No, you’re human. Why would I hate you for that?” Percy got up and started collecting all the boxes to toss them out and slowly, Merlin got up to help him. 

When they were done, Percy sat Merlin down again and grabbed an empty envelope he’d found under the boxes and started noting down the things he’d thought about in the morning. “Do you cook?”

“Not really. I can, but it’s no fun.”

“I’ll get you a few menus of take-out places that make great stuff and that will fit into this.” Percy pointed to the envelope and laughed when Merlin started to chuckle. “The meals won’t fit into the envelope, of course! Just into the plan.”

After a while, Merlin had scooted close to see what he was writing. “I can’t eat all of this!”

“You’re not supposed to eat a ton of this, it’s just stuff that will be good for your work-out plan.”

“I don’t have a work-out plan.”

“Now you do. And I’ll be your personal trainer until you are back on track, okay?”

“I can’t.”

“You can. We will start with the weights tomorrow.”

“I can’t. I…” Merlin held out his hand. “My thumb is a gonner, I can’t work with weights.”

Percy took the hand and looked at it. “Looks like a normal thumb to me.”

“I can’t grab things anymore since the accident.”

“What happened?” As soon he asked, Percy saw Merlin’s face shutting him out again. 

“Not important.”

“Merlin, I need to know what you can do and what not. I don’t want you to get hurt in the gym. So you can’t grab things anymore, anything else?”

“Got issues with my neck.”

Percy had a hard time not to grab Merlin by the shoulders and shake him. Why didn’t Merlin just give him the info he needed? “That’s all?”

Merlin nodded.

“Okay, then back to the food.” Percy held the list out to Merlin who took it and scanned it.

Merlin lifted his head and looked at him with these incredibly blue eyes of his. “Is this stuff you eat, too?”

“If I tell you know what I eat, you won’t believe it. I start my day with a seven-egg omelette…” It was fun to tell Merlin what he ate in one day and to watch Merlin gape at him. 

“You’re shitting me!”

“No, I’m not. My body needs to function, it needs energy. You don’t get far with your car either when you’ve forgotten to fill up, right?”

Slowly, Merlin seemed to understand and even suggested that Percy should come over regularly, so they could cook together. 

+++

They had fallen into a comfortable routine a few weeks later. At least twice a week, Percy came to Merlin’s place. Sometimes they tried out new dishes, both chopping up vegetables and stirring and deciding in the end that they didn’t like it, sometimes Merlin had already prepared most of the things and they just needed to toss it into pots and pans and watch it simmer. Merlin was a much better cook than Percy and Percy liked that Merlin had started reading up on things and stopped believing that just skipping meals would bring him closer to his goal.

They worked out at the gym most every day. Percy only allowed a few minutes on the treadmill before he shooed Merlin towards the other machines. He picked the ones that wouldn’t hurt Merlin’s neck and where he didn’t have to grab anything too tight. He was determined to find out what kind of accident Merlin had been in and if there was anything he could do that would help Merlin’s condition. 

In the beginning, he had to spot Merlin at everything he did, knowing that most people who didn’t really know what to look for, would use the machines incorrectly and that wouldn’t do anything for their bodies. So he corrected Merlin when he noticed he lifted things using his back, not his legs and when he slumped forward.

A lot of times, Merlin complained since the scales showed the same numbers than the days before but Percy assured him that his body had started to change. The best evidence was the ugly pair of grey jeans Merlin seemed to love. They had been a tight fit when Merlin first came in, but now he needed a belt or they would just slide down. Whenever Merlin was in a bad mood, Percy pointed that fact out and how Merlin’s t-shirts were a bit more loose around his waist and little less so around his shoulders. 

After a few weeks, Merlin knew how to use the machines and Percy only had to come over once in a while, carefully touching his hand to Merlin’s back – in the beginning Merlin had startled and flinched away at the touch - and immediately Merlin straightened up again and threw him a thankful look, not even interrupting the exercise to inquire what was wrong like he had done before. He still loved the treadmill a bit too much for Percy’s liking and more than once he just passed by and decreased the speed or the incline when he thought Merlin’s face had gotten an bit too much on the red side. 

One night, after they had allowed themselves chicken and rice, they sat on Merlin’s couch, trying to watch a movie when Percy noticed Merlin drawing a in a sharp breath as he had tried to reach for the remote and then examine his hand. 

“Your thumb?”

“Yeah. Still hurts sometimes.”

“How about we’ll have Gwaine look at this?” Merlin had met Gwaine at the gym once or twice. “You know he’s a chiropractor and his boyfriend is a physio. Maybe they can help you with this?”

Merlin shook his head. “I can’t afford that, you know.”

“Gwaine owes me so many favours we gave up counting. I’ll call him in the morning. Maybe this is just something minor that he can fix in no time and you are finally rid of it.” Percy smiled reassuringly but the smile slid off his face when he saw the look on Merlin’s face. 

“I can’t be rid of it, it’s a reminder of…of what I’ve done.”

Percy didn’t dare to breathe. What did Merlin mean by that?

“I…the accident…” Merlin looked at the TV screen without seeing. “It was my fault. My mam got hurt. Had to have lots of surgeries…I drove and the bloke ran through a red light. Hit us on the passengers’ side, hit mam. Turned out he was drunk, but…”

“Then it wasn’t your fault.” Percy said gently.

“I should have noticed that he wasn’t paying attention. But I was driving and had a little argument with mam, so…”

Percy didn’t know what to say.

“Mam was in the hospital for six months. I thought I was losing her. She didn’t take the surgeries well and when she came home, she needed help.”

“And she’s…?”

“Doing a lot better now.” Merlin threw Percy a look. “But I quit my job to be with her and then to do all the things she couldn’t. Now she has someone to help her with the things she still can’t do.”

“That’s good. You have a new job, your mom is better and things are looking up.”

Merlin huffed out a sad chuckle. “You’ve been here so often, does this place really look as if things were looking up? I haven’t had a job for over a year, there are bills to pay and I’ve nearly killed my mam. I guess that’s why I started eating. I’ve always been stuffing my problems into me in the form of food.” He let out a slow breath. “It’s my fault that mam needs so much help and it’s my fault that I’m overeating.”

“Bullshit. That’s total crap if I ever heard crap! The accident wasn’t your fault! As far as I can judge, you’ve been wonderful. You’ve stayed with your mom when she needed you most, you even quit your job to be with her! And now you live in this place to pay her medical bills. The arsehole driver who hit you should pay them!”

Merlin just shrugged.

“Some people just eat when under stress. You’ve been under immense stress all that time. But look at you, you’ve got a new job, earn your own money again, work hard to lose all of what was left of your overeating phase. You don’t need to cling to a hurt thumb and a sore neck forever as reminders of something that wasn’t your fault.” 

A lot of times, Percy had been shocked by the loathing Merlin had for himself, by the ugly things he said about his looks and the way he was and acted. He knew something must have gone wrong in Merlin’s past and now he thought he knew what it was. There had been an accident that nearly killed Merlin’s mother and he blamed himself for it, even though it hadn’t been his fault. 

Merlin looked so lost that Percy reached over and tried to pull him close but Merlin flinched away.

“Don’t touch me!”

“I…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…it was just…” Fuck, now he’d overstepped a line. He’d only meant to comfort Merlin but Merlin had mistaken it as a come-on. 

“I don’t deserve it.” Merlin whispered.

Percy blinked. This was more difficult than he’d thought, but now he pulled Merlin close and only wrapped his arms around Merlin tighter when Merlin started to sob.

+++

Merlin hissed when Gwaine examined the thumb and Percy looked from one to the other.

“This hasn’t healed properly. Did you see a doctor about it?”

“Of course, right after the accident. They x-rayed it and said nothing was broken and then gave me a brace. When it stopped hurting all the time, I took it off.”

“And that was it?” Gwaine looked over the rim of his glasses.

“Yes. What else should I have done?”

“Nobody told you to have physio?”

Merlin shook his head and then yelped when his wrist make a loud cracking sound as Gwaine brought it back into the right position. “Wha…?”

“Did that hurt?”

“A bit.”

“And now?”

Moving the wrist experimentally, Merlin looked at Gwaine with wide eyes. “Better.”

Gwaine grinned. “And you better leave now, Percy.”

“Why? Are you doing unspeakable things to Merlin now?” Percy grinned. Gwaine was flirty and always seemed to not take life seriously, but he was damn good at what he was doing and of course now, that he had taken Merlin as his patient, it was none of his business what they talked about.

“Of course.” Gwaine’s grin widened.

“Are you sure I can leave Merlin alone with you?”

“Go, Percy.” Merlin smiled. 

“I’ll be right outside that door, just call, I’ll rescue you.”

All three of them laughed and Percy went to the waiting area, knowing the procedures and that Merlin would feel better after Gwaine was done adjusting his bones.   
+++

“Did you see Leon?” Percy smiled when Merlin entered the gym a lot later than at his usual time.

Nodding, Merlin started his stretching the way Percy had shown him. “What did he say?”

“That it will take a while to undo what almost two years of doing has done wrong.”

“Huh?”

Merlin grinned and his eyes twinkled, a look Percy really liked and that Merlin showed way too rarely. “He said that nobody has done anything to really help the tissue injury heal since it happened and that of course I tried to go easy on the thumb, re-injuring it each time I held something wrong or put too much weight on the joint. We’ll be working on it.”

“So you’re seeing him again?”

“Yes.” Merlin nodded again. “And Gwaine, too.”

“Good, that’s good.” Percy smiled. He was happy that he could do something for his friend, even though that meant he would see a lot less of him in the next few weeks with all the appointments Merlin would have. 

“Will you come over tomorrow?”

Percy’s head shot up and he looked at Merlin, the surprise most likely written all over his face. This was the first time Merlin actively asked him to do something together. Usually, all their activities had been on his initiative. “Sure. When?”

“Don’t know…when will you be free?”

“I have an appointment with my agent tomorrow, don’t know how long it’ll take but that’s in the morning. And that’s all. Is there anything I can bring? Wanna cook?”

“A co-worker lend me the movie we wanted to see. If I skip work-out for once, I could be at home by 5:30?”

Percy put on a what he hoped was a mock-scolding look. “Skipping work-out?” He grinned.

“Or we could work out first and then leave together?” Merlin looked guilty and Percy immediately regretted that he’d said it.

“I’ve told you before, it’s totally okay to take a little break now and then. Want me to be there at 6? Or later?”

A careful smile showed on Merlin’s face. “Six is fine. Looking forward to it.”

 

The evening at Merlin’s wasn’t much different than all the others Percy had spent at his place. When he arrived, Merlin had already started to prepare their favourite vegetable dish and was about to cut up some bell peppers as snacks for later and when they were done eating, they did the dishes in companionable silence. They both liked the movie and discussed going to see the latest film of the lead actor at the movie theatre.

Percy couldn’t help but smile. The evening was just the same as the ones before, but still, it felt different. Almost…almost like a date. Of course he didn’t mention it, unsure if Merlin saw it the same way, but he thoroughly enjoyed the little touches and that he could even put his hand on Merlin’s upper arm or shoulder without Merlin flinching away. 

As it was time to leave, Merlin brought him to the door. “You know, Percy…thank you.”

“No, thank you, I’ve had a lot of fun tonight.” Percy shrugged into his jacket. 

“That’s not what I mean. It’s…my life has changed so much since I’ve met you. I…just thank you.”

Percy squeezed Merlin’s shoulder. “It wasn’t me, it was you. You came to the gym that very first day. If you hadn’t…” He shrugged and just as he was about to take his hand away, Merlin put his on top of it and gave it a quick squeeze. 

+++

To his own surprise, Percy landed a few jobs in a row and was quite busy. He even had to leave town for an acting job. Of course he was excited and couldn’t wait to come back to tell Merlin every little detail. He sent him photos of the set and a selfie with the star of the show and Merlin sent thrilled texts back. 

He couldn’t wait to come back, though. If Percy was honest, he missed Merlin and when he came back to his hotel room at night, tired and worn, knowing he had to get up again in a few hours, Merlin’s face was always with him when he closed his eyes. The excitedly shining eyes, the smile he showed more and more often lately, the concentrated look when he was working out and the look he gave him when they said good-night. More often than not, Percy’s hand wandered down to his cock that had taken to harden whenever he thought of Merlin and he brought himself off with quick strokes, feeling a bit guilty as soon as he had come. It wasn’t right, but he couldn’t help it. Merlin had never shown anything else but friendship and he didn’t want to lose that. But the connection he had felt with Merlin from the very beginning had grown stronger and Percy knew he wanted a lot more than just Merlin’s friendship. He wanted him, wanted to show him how beautiful he was, inside and out, that he deserved the touches and the affection he denied himself. 

So one night, when he was away for a photo shooting, he just texted a _Miss you_

+++

If Merlin thought anything about it, he didn’t show. He avidly commented on the things Percy told him about acting and modelling, obviously happy for his friend and admitted he boasted a bit to his co-workers about knowing someone who would be on a TV show. 

Due to his odd schedule lately, Percy couldn’t attend the gym at the times he usually did and after he had missed Merlin a few times, he expressed how unhappy he was about that – all thinly disguised as a rant about how he couldn’t check if Merlin did his exercises the right way, of course. It didn’t take long for Merlin to show up at the gym after that text and Percy’s smile almost split his head. 

“Wow, it’s empty at this time of night.” Merlin looked around.

“Told you so. All the blokes come in after work and of course it’s getting cramped then. If you come in later, you have more room to breathe.” Percy pulled Merlin into a quick hello-hug and noticed that it was returned. His heart jumped and his stomach did funny things.

“But I’m not as energetic at this time, I’m sure I won’t be as fast on the treadmill and won’t be able to lift as much weight.” Merlin made a face.

“When you’re done, you can take a shower and fall into bed, though.” Percy smirked.

“True. It does have its advantages. Give me five minutes over there and then you can spot me with the weights and tell me about the exciting live of Percy S.” Merlin winked, slung his towel around his neck and went to the other side of the room to warm up. 

+++

From that time on, they worked out together at night whenever Percy didn’t manage to make it to the gym at more reasonable times. Since Merlin worked flexi-time, he could adjust to Percy’s schedule if it wasn’t too out crazy. 

Lately, Percy caught Merlin poking his own muscles sometimes, feeling if they were there when they were clearly visible to him. Even though Merlin complained all the time that he didn’t lose weight anymore, Percy knew that Merlin had managed to work it off and change it into muscles. That was clearly visible to everybody.

“You okay over there?”

Merlin spun around. “Not really. I…what am I doing wrong? Do I need to put more weights on? Leon said I can’t yet.”

“Then you should listen to Leon, he knows what he’s doing. As soon as he gives you the okay, you can put a bit more on for the exercises, but not before.” Merlin had done that before, wildly determined to be able to lift more, but only had freshly injured himself. Percy knew that Gwaine still worked on Merlin’s neck and spine and that Leon was more than unhappy with the way Merlin’s thumb healed very slowly. 

“Yes, mam.” 

Percy grinned and snapped his towel towards Merlin’s arse. “I’m not your mom!”

Merlin laughed and batted at the towel. “Good thing you aren’t.” He winked.

His heartbeat speeding up, Percy stepped closer. Was this the right time to just kiss Merlin? He’d said it was a good thing that Percy wasn’t his mom, that meant he saw him differently. But of course it didn’t mean he liked him this way. “How is she these days?” Percy almost closed his eyes to keep himself from groaning. Nice way of ruining the moment, well done, dumbass. 

Merlin smiled and stepped back. “A lot better. She even managed to walk to the corner store with just her cane the other day.”

Percy knew what an accomplishment that was, he always listened closely when Merlin talked about her. Which was not often, but when Percy asked about her, Merlin told him what she could do and what not and where she needed help. So he knew that her walking that distance was a lot more than she could have done not even half a year ago. The happy smile on Merlin’s face told him he was right. 

“Will you be going to Ealdor again on the weekend?”

“Sure. The garden needs some work.”

Percy looked at Merlin for a moment. “I’ll miss you.” The moment he’d said it, Percy braced himself for the answer which surely would be something like ‘I’ll only be gone for two days’ or ‘I’m sure you’ll manage to survive at the gym without me’.

Merlin’s smile turned very soft and gentle. “I’ll miss you, too.”

+++

It was very late and Percy glanced at the clock on the wall. It wasn’t unusual for him to be here at this time of night, especially with his sometimes crazy schedule, so he worked out as usual, always having an eye on Merlin, who had promised to accompany him so he wouldn’t be alone. 

After a while, he took his t-shirt off and slung it around his neck before he repeated his exercise. He huffed out a breath as he gently set the weights down and got up. Only then he felt Merlin’s eyes on him. “Everything okay?” He smiled. 

Merlin swallowed and looked away.

“What is it?” Percy wiped the sweat off his forehead and came closer. “Merlin, you promised to talk to me…” He hated when Merlin shut him out like that. 

“I’ll…” Merlin didn’t look at him. “I’ll never look like you.”

Percy stepped close. “Merlin. Why would you want to look like me? You’re perfect the way you are.”

Merlin snorted out a disbelieving sound. “Yeah, right.”

Taking Merlin by the shoulders, Percy turned him around, so he could see himself in the mirror. “Tell me what you see.”

“A fat blob standing in the way of the…”

“Look closely.” Percy whispered into Merlin’s ear as he reached for the hem of Merlin’s too-wide t-shirt and slowly started to pull it up, watching Merlin closely, ready to let go if Merlin showed the usual signs of panic. 

Merlin shivered but didn’t stop him and Percy managed to get the t-shirt up and over his head, so he could toss it aside. “What do you see?”

When Merlin looked everywhere but himself, Percy reached around him, cupped his chin with one hand and gently turned Merlin’s head so he had to look into the mirror. “I don’t think you have looked at yourself lately, Merlin. I mean, really looked. You’ve been struggling with your weight issues and everything that came with them that you still see the old Merlin but you never really see yourself.”

“I haven’t changed, Percy. I’m still the person I was and I will always be.”

Percy had a hard time not to sigh. He’d never thought it would be so difficult to make Merlin see what a beautiful person he was, no matter what he looked like, and how much his body had changed in the months they’d been working together. “That’s true, you will always be Merlin and that is good. Your hard work paid off, though. Wanna know what I see when I look at you?”

Merlin squirmed a bit, probably waiting for the worst. 

“I see a damn hot young bloke when I see you. A fit one, too. And knowing how hard you’ve worked yourself makes you look even better. See? There’s no round face left. Your cheekbones could cut glass.” He turned Merlin’s face from left to right and then ran his hands over Merlin’s shoulders. “You’ve built up a lot of muscles. Your arms are defined now and,” his hands wandered further down, he couldn’t help himself. So many nights he’d wanted to touch Merlin but knew he wouldn’t allow it. For once, Merlin didn’t run, so this was his chance and he would take it. “Your pecs have started to show and your hips are slim again.” He ran his fingers along the waistband of Merlin’s old sweatpants before he just grabbed them at both sides and pulled them down.

Merlin yelped, but even though he got that panicked look in his eyes, he didn’t move. 

“When you first came in, nobody could have pulled your sweatpants down like that. This alone should show you how much weight you’ve lost, they’re basically falling down by themselves.”

“But my belly…”

“Is wonderful.” Percy closed his eyes and inhaled Merlin’s scent. He smelled of fresh sweat and the soap he was using, the wipes they used to clean the machines they’d used and…just of himself. 

“Perce…” The way Merlin gasped out his name made Percy realize that he had just wrapped his arms around Merlin to caress the fine dark hair on Merlin’s abdomen and pressed his lips on Merlin’s shoulder.

“I’m…” Damn, what was he trying to do? He wouldn’t back out now, for months he’d wanted Merlin. Basically from the day he’d walked into the gym. It didn’t matter to him what Merlin looked like or if he was chubby or skinny, he just wanted him. 

Merlin hadn’t moved and his breath had sped up as their eyes met in the mirror.

“Fuck.” Percy wasn’t good with words, especially not when he’d basically just undressed the guy of his dreams in the middle of the gym. It was almost 12:30 am and nobody else was here, so he just pressed himself against Merlin from behind, letting him feel his hard-on. 

“Perce…I…”

Immediately Percy stepped back, feeling his face flush. He scratched the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, Merlin. I…I like you, okay? I’ve always liked you. So now you know. If you don’t…if…it’s alright. I understand.” Which was a lie. Percy didn’t understand. At all. It was not that he thought himself God’s gift to every gay man in London. He knew he wasn’t bad-looking and all the hard work in the gym could make him pull whenever he wanted, but this was different. He didn’t want to pull. He wanted Merlin. Not just for a night. And they had gotten along so well all this time that he really thought they had something going.

Merlin just stood there, looking at him a bit shocked, the sweatpants still around his ankles. “You can’t mean that.”

“I mean it. I’ve never been more serious about anything. I like you. And yes, I like you that way. But if you just want to be friends, I’ll deal with it.” When Merlin didn’t say anything, Percy started to wonder where this whole situation had started to go wrong. Maybe he shouldn’t have touched Merlin; that was it. Merlin didn’t like to be touched. He still thought he wasn’t worth it. Which was not true, he’d always been worth it, but how could Percy make him see?

“You can’t like the fat slob.” Merlin whispered, his eyes wide with disbelief.

Percy groaned. “I do. And aside from the fact that you have to start to see yourself as you are and drop the ‘fat slob’ image you have of yourself, I would like you even if you were a fat slob.”

“But you’re a god, a model, an actor. You don’t want to be with someone like me.”

Pulling himself up to his full height, Percy turned to really look at Merlin, not just through the mirror. “I do.” 

Merlin shook his head almost unnoticeably, before he grabbed for his sweatpants and pulled them up. He snatched his towel and ran towards the locker room.

Percy dropped down onto one of the benches and with his elbows on his knees, rubbing his neck with one hand, he wondered if he could rescue this at all. Merlin was still so deep in his self-loathing that he couldn’t see what everyone else saw. He should have known that, he had moved too soon. And now he’d blown it. He hoped Merlin would come back to the gym and not fall back into old patterns. If he did, it was his fault. 

+++

For a whole week, Merlin was nowhere to be seen, didn’t react to emails and didn’t answer his phone. Percy was really worried. He was close to just going over to his place and kicking the door in, picturing Merlin buried underneath empty pizza boxes and other take-out crap again. 

Just then, Merlin showed up at the gym again. For a short moment, Percy panicked. He’d practiced a little speech to apologize to Merlin but of course all the words fled his mind and he could just stare when Merlin approached him. Gone were the horribly wide, worn and torn t-shirt and sweatpants. Merlin’s clothes were far from skin-tight work-out clothes most guys here wore, but they were his size and he didn’t look like he was being forced to wear handed down things from an older brother. 

“Hi.” Percy smiled carefully but before he could say anything, Merlin took a deep breath. Okay, that was it, he would tell him off forever and end their friendship.

“Percy, I…can we talk?”

Nodding eagerly, Percy put the weights down and reached for his towel. “Let’s get a drink at the bar. Water for you?”

To his surprise, Merlin shook his head. “I think I’ll go for one of those things you usually have.”

“You will?” Percy’s eyebrows shot up. Merlin still had that silly strict rule of not putting further calories into his body before he’d worked them off at the gym.

“Yes. And I expect you to work me hard in there later so burn them off.”

Percy blushed and so did Merlin when he noticed what he’d said.

“You know what I mean!”

They got the drinks from the bar and found a little table at the far end of the room where nobody else was around. 

Merlin took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for running the other day.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“I…” Merlin turned the glass in his hands. “I’ve never been in such a situation. I’ve always been the nerd, the skinny kid and nobody wanted me. Then I turned into the fat one and nobody wanted me. And now I haven’t even really settled into me, if that makes sense. You were right, I probably can’t see what you are seeing. I’m just me.”

“And it’s still true what I’ve said. I like ‘just you’, no matter what the ‘just you’ looks like. You should know me better by now, I’m not that superficial.” Percy’s fingers itched to just reach over and put his hand on Merlin’s.

“This is still difficult to believe. I’ve been rejected so often that I don’t even know how to deal with this. I… Percy,” Merlin looked up to meet Percy’s eyes, “I think I need a bit more time to find me again before I can let anyone else in. That way. I’m sorry.”

Percy swallowed hard but then nodded. That one night on Merlin’s couch, he had told him how badly the few blokes he’d ever liked had treated him, so he understood that Merlin was careful. It stung anyway to be told off like that. “I understand.” So that was it, he wouldn’t see Merlin again.

“Give me some time? I don’t want to lose your friendship, Percy. I’ve never had a real friend before. You are important to me. I just…” Merlin looked desperate.

“If you say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ now, I’ll manipulate the treadmill so you can’t stop it and I’ll chase you up a steep hill.” Percy made his – what he hoped – most scary face.

Merlin chuckled and Percy’s world fell into place again. There it was, the wonderful smile that kept him awake at nights and that he would do anything for. 

“Won’t say it, even though it’s true.”

“Come on, let’s get some work-out done and then you’ll have tell me where you got those clothes.”

Merlin had taken their empty glasses back to the bar and returned. “Some days you’re so gay…” He rolled his eyes and laughed as he pushed the door to the gym open.

+++

“Oh my God, who’s that hot piece of meat over there?”

Percy laughed. “This is the first thing you say upon coming back here, Pendragon?” He pulled his friend into a hug. “When did you come back? How was California?”

Arthur pulled his t-shirt up to show off his tanned abs. “And for once, I didn’t mean you. I’m serious, Perce, who is he?” He pointed over Percy’s shoulder and Percy turned.

“That’s Merlin.” He felt the flush spread across his cheeks. He knew that Merlin looked good to him, but that others noticed, too, left him with a mixture of feeling extremely proud and extremely jealous. 

“Merlin?” Arthur blinked and shrugged. “When did he start coming here?”

“Arthur. That’s Merlin. The one you dissed before you left.” Remembering all the hateful things Arthur had said made Percy take a step back.

It slowly dawned on Arthur and he laughed. “So I owe you a beer, don’t I?”

Percy had forgotten about their little bet, it had never mattered to him. 

“I think I’ll go over and introduce myself.”

Before Percy could find any good reason for Arthur to stay right where he was, Arthur had slung his towel over his shoulder and went to chat Merlin up. 

He knew he shouldn’t, but Percy couldn’t help it. He’d watched Arthur’s every move and couldn’t believe that Merlin stopped the treadmill to talk to him. With a bit of grim satisfaction, he noticed that Merlin put the earbuds in a while later and resumed his work-out.

Arthur came back and smirked.

“What?”

“Looks like I have a date for tonight.”

Percy dropped the weight he’d been holding. “Wha…”

“Oh?” Arthur smirked. “Did someone not move fast enough? Sorry, mate, I couldn’t have known.”

Of course Arthur could have known. He had been there in the beginning, when Percy had defended Merlin. But even if Arthur knew, he wouldn’t care. He took what he wanted and now he obviously wanted Merlin. 

Why had Merlin agreed, though? Maybe he just wasn’t into him and it wasn’t Merlin’s insecurities and weird way of seeing himself that had made him tell Percy off. Maybe he just plain didn’t like him. 

Percy swallowed hard, hefted the weight back into its rack, waved at Merlin and left. He wouldn’t just stand by and watch how Merlin went with Arthur and they were all happy and got married in a few month. Percy knew he was being silly, but he was hurt. Why hadn’t Merlin been honest with him and just said that he didn’t like him? 

For the first time in ages, he didn’t take a shower at the gym. He just threw his jacket on, grabbed his bag and left. At home, he tossed the bag into a corner with more force than necessary and threw himself down on the couch, staring at the TV that he didn’t switch on. 

He knew he had been the understanding friend, but he didn’t want to be that anymore. Either he could be with Merlin – which Merlin obviously didn’t want – or…no, he liked Merlin too much, he couldn’t imagine shutting him out of his life completely. If Arthur was what Merlin wanted, he wouldn’t be in the way. Merlin deserved to be happy, even if it was with Arthur.

Percy tossed and turned, fell asleep in the wee hours of morning and woke up with a crick in his neck and his muscles protesting from a night on the too-short couch. His mood hadn’t lifted.

+++

Trying to act as if nothing had happened wasn’t easy, but Percy thought he managed quite well. He even plastered a smile on his face when Merlin approached him a few days later.

“Hey! What a rare sight, where have you been?”

“Nowhere.”

“I thought you might have had another job, but you usually tell me about jobs out of town. Or is it something so secret that I’m not supposed to know?” Merlin beamed at him.

“I didn’t have a job.”

“Oh my God, you’re the next Doctor and if you tell anyone, they’ll fire you before you even started! Your secret’s safe with me!” It was almost impossible, but Merlin’s smile widened.

Percy set the weights down. “No job, I’m not the next Doctor, but gosh, wouldn’t I wish? Who doesn’t want to be on Doctor Who? As the Doctor.” Damn, now Merlin had him. They both liked the show and it wasn’t a secret that Percy liked it a bit more. 

“Actually, I have the new DVDs. Do you want to come over for dinner?”

Percy threw Merlin a long look. “When?”

“Whenever you have time. I’m free but for the weekend.”

“Oh, going out with Arthur?” Percy bit his lower lip, he hadn’t meant to mention it but it was constantly on his mind. 

Merlin shook his head and laughed. “No, dufus. I’m going to Ealdor on the weekend.”

“And Arthur allows you to invite people over for dinner?”

“Arthur?” Merlin rolled his eyes. “Why would I want to waste my time with such an idiot? And why would he ‘allow’ me to do anything?”

“So…you’re not…You’ve had a date the other night.” Percy frowned and blinked confusedly. 

“A date?” Merlin’s face grew serious. “Why would I have a date with that air-head?”

“He’s not an air-head, he’s just…” Good-looking, rich, fit…

“Arrogant. We had a water together after work-out, right over there. He thought he could impress me with fancy stories about having been abroad and,” Merlin laughed, “said that he had a bet with you about me.”

Percy’s face fell. “He was working abroad…”

“Okay, so that part was true, but,” Merlin’s eyes searched Percy’s face, “don’t…don’t tell me the bet…”

“I’m sorry. I’d totally forgotten about it when Arthur came back. When you first came in, he ranted about guys who only go to the gym to either check out the regulars or to calm their conscience and that…” Percy swallowed. “That you wouldn’t last a week. So I said I think you have something about you and that you will last and he turned it into a bet. It was only a beer. And then he left and I didn’t even think about that anymore, it didn’t matter. You were there and we became friends and…” Percy knew he rambled but didn’t know how to stop himself.

“A bet. That’s all I was? A bet? All that time invested in the fat slob teaching him to eat right and to work out correctly because of…a beer?” Merlin stared at him. 

“No.” Percy’s shoulders slumped. “Because of you.”

“And that…the other night…was that part of the bet, too? I’m stuck in a bad teenage chick-flick where the fat girl is the laughing stock and the Quarterback asks her out to the prom because of a lost bet.” Merlin didn’t move.

Shaking his head fiercely, Percy yelled “No!” loud enough for some blokes at the other end of the room to turn around. “You never were laughing stock for me and I didn’t ask you out to the prom because of a bet! Fuck, I like you! I still do! You’ve told me off, but I can’t help it! I’m in love with you!”

Merlin had turned and walked towards the door. He stopped for a moment, his hand on the doorknob, but he didn’t turn back, took a deep breath, opened the door and left. 

Percy groaned and tried to ignore the sympathetic looks of the few other attendees.

+++

Percy tried everything he could to either forget about the whole situation or to get through to Merlin. His emails weren’t answered, though and Merlin never picked up the phone or replied to texts. A few times, he’d been to Merlin’s house, but nobody opened. First, he suspected that Merlin wasn’t home but that one time, he’d seen the curtain move, so Merlin didn’t want to talk to him. 

Merlin didn’t show up at the gym anymore and Percy suspected that he had given up working out altogether. And he was the only one to blame for that; he’d driven Merlin away. He should have told him about this stupid little bet from the beginning, but if he were honest, he hadn’t even thought about that anymore. For him, this had never been about the bet, it had been about Merlin. 

He wrote Merlin all that and didn’t expect an answer. Merlin hadn’t replied in weeks, why would he reply to that? 

Percy once again sat on his couch, looking at the TV screen without seeing, remote in his hand, the third crate of Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream for this week staring accusingly at him from where the table spoon stuck out of the empty container. He’d had a large pizza and a salad before and felt a bit queasy but that only added to his mood.

He had blown it. He had nobody else to blame. For once in his life there had been a gorgeous bloke – and he was good-looking, too – he was interested in and who liked him, too, and he had totally ruined it by not even thinking when Arthur suggested the bet. Damned Arthur. 

There was a knock at his door but Percy didn’t feel like checking who it was. The visitor didn’t go away, though, and knocked again. Scrambling up, Percy ran a hand through his short hair and made his way to the door. He opened it a fraction. 

“Merlin?” Outside his door, a bottle of water in one hand, a DVD box in the other, Merlin nervously shifted from one foot to the other.

“Hi, Percy. Is it a bad time?”

Percy wanted to tell him that yes, it was a bad time after not answering emails and texts, much less calls but Merlin looked up at him with wide eyes. “Probably…come in.” He stepped back and opened the door wide enough for Merlin to enter. He motioned for the living room, where Merlin stood for a moment, taking in the array of empty boxes of take-out food and ice cream crates. 

“I’m…” Percy tried to stack everything together, knowing what a pathetic picture this was.

“Don’t worry. Someone’s told me once that it’s okay to pig out once in a while.” Merlin smiled carefully.

Percy huffed out a chuckle and just left the boxes where they were. “It’s good to see you again.” And it was good to see that Merlin obviously hadn’t dropped his work-out routine. 

“You, too. Percy, listen, I…” Merlin took a deep breath and sat down on the couch. “I’m sorry that I walked out like I did. It was…it was a bit too much for me. I still haven’t reached a point where I can see what others see when they look at me. I might never reach that point, no matter how much I work out or how much weight I lose. And there you are…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Let me finish, please, this is difficult enough to say.” Merlin threw him a quick sideways look before he fixed his eyes on the pizza box again. “You were there, helping me, being my friend. If I’m honest, I had a crush on you from that very first moment on.”

A smile almost split Percy’s face, he could feel it. 

“But how could you like me? I wasn’t worthy of you. Still, you…that night at the gym…I…I was totally overwhelmed, I’d never thought you might feel that way.” Merlin swallowed. “But then Arthur came back and told me his version of the story and all my fears were proven right. Nobody like you could ever really like me. I thought I was just the object of a stupid bet.”

“That’s not…”

“I know now.”

Percy’s head shot up. “You do? How…?”

“Gwaine and Leon.” Merlin turned his head to look at Percy. “You’ve got great friends. And Arthur, too.”

“I…I don’t understand.” What did Gwaine and Leon have to do with anything? And Arthur? He was the reason why everything had gone so bad in the first place!

“I didn’t give up working out and I didn’t give up my treatment.” Merlin held up his thumb. “They knew, I guess. They knew about you and they somehow saw that I like you. They’ve tried to convince me that you would never do such a thing.”

“I wouldn’t. It was…”

“I’ve met with Arthur.”

“You did.” Ouch.

“He assured me that he’s never seen you acting like this before and that he offers these stupid little bets all the time just to not have to pay his tab at the end of a Saturday night. He also admitted saying very hateful things and that you didn’t like him saying them.”

“He can be an arse sometimes.”

Merlin chuckled. “Oh yes. A total prat.” His face grew serious again. “What I’m trying to say, Percy…I’m sorry that I’ve reacted that way. I just couldn’t believe it…and to be honest, I still can’t…but if I haven’t ruined everything with my childish radio silence and you would give me another chance, maybe…”

Percy looked at Merlin and tried to make sense of his ramblings. Did that mean that Merlin wanted to be with him? That he forgave him for the bet and the embarrassing emails and calls? Merlin looked at him with wide eyes, open, vulnerable, so Percy just nodded. 

The beaming smile that made a room light up and Merlin’s eyes crinkle to adorable half-moons split Merlin’s face but then he threw Percy an unsure look. “Where…where do we take it from here? I…I don’t really know what…I’ve brought a bottle of water and the Doctor Who DVD box…”

Grinning, Percy reached over and pulled Merlin close with one hand in Merlin’s neck. “Come here, you.” For the first time, Percy touched his lips to Merlin’s in a soft kiss and they felt and tasted every bit of wonderful Percy had imagined. Merlin’s lips parted and when Percy deepened the kiss, his tongue exploring, tasting, feeling, Merlin clung to him like a drowning man. 

All of a sudden, Merlin pulled back almost violently and buried his face in Percy’s neck. “Sorry, I’m…”

“My bad.” Percy pulled his hand from underneath Merlin’s t-shirt. He shouldn’t have touched him like this, even though he had done it naturally, without even thinking about it. 

“If you…it’s still difficult for me if someone else touches me…if you’d rather not…”

“Hey.” Percy didn’t let go of Merlin and looked at him until Merlin looked back. “It took us almost a year to come this far. I’m not going to let you out of this so easily now. You’re stuck with me.”

“The others said you’re kind of stubborn when you’ve set your mind on something.”

“You better believe it.” Percy grinned but then his face softened. “I mean what I’ve said. I’ve tried to make it go away but it didn’t. I love you.”

Merlin wrapped his arms around Percy’s neck and an adorable blush spread on his cheeks as Percy pulled him into his lap. 

The way Merlin buried his face into the crook of his neck and held real tight told Percy all he needed to know. Merlin might have a long way ahead of him before he was healed and could accept himself again but Percy didn’t doubt that he would be there with him until the end. He wrapped his arms around Merlin and held him close.


End file.
